I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
