I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
NoShamevember. You game?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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