Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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