I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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