i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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