my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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