I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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