Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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