dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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