My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
