It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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