You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
