Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
