Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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