Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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