I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
either way he was missing a nipple.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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