Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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