i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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