The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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