we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
