i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
whose ass print is on the piano?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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