hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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