Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
