I think my fart just growled at me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
