I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.