so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
