Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
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Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
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Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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