dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
