Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
