Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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