I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
