i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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