things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just want to make out with him forever
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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