U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
