I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
