I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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