allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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