I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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