That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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