I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
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There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
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Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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