Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
