My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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