You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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