Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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