I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
