this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
