Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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