I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
