They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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