All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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