i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.