When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
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Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
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She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.