If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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