Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
