the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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