he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
