Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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