If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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