I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
